The Widow

She is scorned and looked down at

Always disgraced and stigmatized

Treated as a worthless woman

Who failed to save her husband’s life

Never invited to religious events

And often shunned from social life

Her presence considered inauspicious

Isolated, with no one to hear her cries

She has so much to share and say

But her views are just not heard

So she stays a sad and lonely figure

And swallows back all her words

They treat her shabbily forever

And restrict and confine her life

All through this they calmly forget

That she is still very much alive

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Cassata Ice-cream and Memories

Hubby: Let us order some ice-cream after dinner.

Son: Sure, Mom..What flavour should I order for you ?

I am about to say “cassata ice-cream” but then I stop and wonder..where did that name come up from ? do they even serve the cassata anymore ? I grab the menu card and take a look and with a pang I realize that the cassata is not even on the list. There are so many flavours listed, an assorted array of bewildering yet glamorous sounding names that I do not even understand. And so I finally end up muttering feebly “Vanilla or mango”…

But as I eat my ice-cream, my mind is flooded with my childhood memories and the emotions attached to them. Back in the 70’s and 80’s, the cassata was the most expensive ice-cream on the list and it was every child’s dream. The mere thought that we would have a cassata after the dinner at a restaurant (which in itself was a rare treat) would be the highlight of the evening.

The cassata ice-cream moments are as clear as yesterday in my mind. It is a memory indelibly etched to remain forever. I remember the huge servings of the three layers of the tutti-frutti, strawberry and vanilla sprinkled with assorted nuts, the shutting of my eyes as I felt the sweetness melt in my mouth….

Those were the times of a less complicated era and the simpler pleasures of life. Nostalgia..how it hits us when we least expect it..

The Woman That Was

Forgotten by all, lost and lonely

She became invisible and unseen

 People would look right through her

But not hear her silent screams

They talked to her, they passed her by

But failed to see her tears

They talked of all the comforts she had

Yet never noticed her fears

So she donned a mask that always smiled

And hid all that she really had been

She retreated deep down in herself

And the real “Her” was never again to be seen

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Wishful Thinking

Today I received 

Your letter

A letter that was 

Written for me

By me

Through you

A conversation

Between you

And I

That never was...

Schizophrenia 

Of thoughts 

 Jumbled to form 

In-coherent emotions 

In the form of words

But regardless

 It was still a letter

From you to me

Written for me

By me

Through you…

 © Copyright Renu Vyas

My Silly Poem

Very, very long ago

And once upon a time

I wrote a silly poem

That had no rhythm or rhyme

The words were really silly

And made no sense at all

And whosoever heard it

Would either cry or bawl

They would all yell at me

And ask me to please stop

But I refused to believe

That my poem was a flop

I made many copies of it

And stuck them on pizzas and pies

But then no one would eat them

And they would attract just flies

So I read it to trees and flowers

And I read it to the skies

I read it to imps and fairies

Who I felt were more wise

They pondered and wondered

At what my poem meant

They had meetings over it

And many a weeks they spent

But since they never understood

They decided not to take stress

They accepted and awarded me

And declared my silly poem the best

  © Copyright Renu Vyas

Where has the laughter gone ?

"Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life, but will surely add life to your years."

Please don’t be misled by the title of this post. I am not sad and neither have I lost my sense of humour. I still have my sense of humour intact, but I don't laugh out loud like I did years ago. There was a time when I laughed in pure unadulterated joy at the smallest of things but now I don't find things as funny as I once did.

In fact when I look around, I see that overall people don’t laugh so much anymore. It is not that we are depressed, well maybe sometimes we are, but most of the times it is just that we are so distracted and caught up in our chaotic everyday life trying to make ends meet, trying to beat deadlines, multitasking,  and living up to expectations that we do not notice the funnier side of life. We are never fully present in the moment.

Most of my phone conversations with my family happen with me working at the same time doing this or that.

Another reason could be that for something to be funny there has to be a surprise or unusual angle attached to it. Sadly most things do not surprise me now as I get older. There is a sense of “been there, done that”. It is not that I am becoming blasé but I just don’t find things that funny anymore.

When was the last time you really laughed ? and by laughed I mean that loud belly aching laugh..it seems it is missing from life these days. It is as if we are living without truly being alive.

Love Immortalized

Instead of carving you

In wood or stone

I preserved your memories

In my heart 

And captured every aspect of you

In my poetry

Immortalizing you

Through my words

  © Copyright Renu Vyas

Those Moments

Somewhere in between

Soft midnight conversations

Your cigarette breaths

And my coffee stains

I fell in love

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Paper Existence

I am all the words

That reside in my poetry

Come, embrace my paper existence 

© Copyright Renu Vyas

बस यूँही.....

कभी कभी दिल चाहता है,

 यूँ'ही कोई क़रीब आये

 न कोई सवाल पूछे, न ज़वाब मांगे

 बस  बिना कोई वजह यूँही

सर पर हाथ रख के कहे

 "सब ठीक हो जायेगा....."

Just Like That

 Sometimes, all you want 

Is for someone to be there

No questions asked

 No judgments passed

To just put their hand on your head

 And say in that caring tone

"Everything will be alright.."

Pain & Poetry

There is a pain hidden

In every poem that I write

And there is a poem hidden

In every pain that I feel...

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Canyons Of Past

I am like a meandering river

That flows through

The canyons of my past.

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Drowning In Poetry

I would rather spill ink

Instead of tears

And drown in poetry

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Voice Of Silence

Amidst all the hustle and bustle around

I overheard today

The voice of silence in the crowd 

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Memories

“Meine shayad tumhe pehle bhi kahin dekha hai…”  croons Mohammed Rafi softly in his melodious voice on the radio. I stop and stare at the radio. Waves of inexplicable nostalgia wash over me.  I haven’t heard this song in years and suddenly I am overcome with a torrent of memories. It is like a flashback of a different place and a different time.

Some songs when heard after a long, trigger such vivid memories that transport us back in time. They bring back emotions long buried beneath the debris of our everyday life. It is as if they are entwined with memories of certain people, places and seasons. Some songs bring a smile while others make us shed a tear quietly. Such is the power of songs and music.

What songs bring back emotions from your past ? Has a song ever caught you off guard and brought back a tidal wave of memories ?

Cloak of Anonymity

Leaving behind cacophony of life

I reach out and embrace peace, solitude

A welcome cloak of anonymity

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Dear Time...

Dear time, stop for a while

Let me revel in my today

And with my past reconcile

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Closure

The fragments that you left behind

Of a once shared day-to-day life

I gather and store all bit by bit

Yet they still hurt like splinters in feet

© Copyright Renu Vyas

New Beginnings

Standing quietly in the rain

Letting words wash off pages

Turning blank the book called "Me"

An urge to re-write life

© Copyright Renu Vyas

कुछ सुन्दर यादें मेरे बचपन की ....

कुछ सुन्दर यादें मेरे बचपन की...



वो गर्मीयों की छुट्टियाँ। वो पानी छिड़क कर ठण्डी की हुई गर्म छत की सौंधी खुशबू, घर के सारे लोग और तारों की छाँव, वो रात का खाना छत पे खाना, खाने में मोगर रोटी और कैर के आचार का होना... खाटें लाइन में लगाना फिर देर रात तक फुसफुसा कर बातें करना। रेडियो पर हवा महल, बिनाका गीतमाला सुनना ।

वो गली के नुक्कड़ से चवन्नी का बर्फ लाकर शरबत बना कर पीना,
कोट पीस/चौकड़ी खेलना...किराये की साइकल को बारी बारी चलाना और वो साइकल की चेन का बार बार उतर जाना...

वो माँ/दादी का स्वेटर बुनते वक़्त पास बुला के नाप लेना, और दिवाली पे नए कपड़ो का आना..वो बड़े बुज़ुर्गों का पटाखों के हिस्से करना और वो एक एक पटाखे के लिए लड़ना झगड़ना ...

माँ का नारियल तेल को धूप में रखना और फिर सर में लगा के दो चोटी बनाना, बुआ का उस चोटी के लिए रंगीन रिबन लाना..

कुछ सुन्दर यादें मेरे बचपन की ....

Happy Wedding Anniversary Dear Husband

Seeing your face first in the morning

And at the day's end, each night

Gives much warmth to my heart

And brings so much delight

You're my motivation and inspiration

And everything in between

You're the reason for my sun to shine

With you around I feel like a queen

You have not just been a husband

You've been my guide and friend

This beautiful life we share

I pray just never ends

You've supported me in all I wished

Without you I know not where I'd be

Your presence in my life

Completes and fulfills me

So thank you dear husband

For being my life's best part

I pray with all of my love

That we will never be apart

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Tick..Tock..Tick..Tock

Tick tock......tick tock…...

Ticks on my internal clock

Tick tock….tick tock……..

Nothing makes it stop

Tick tock…tick tock…

How annoying is the sound,

Tick tock…tick tock…

I wish time would turn around

Tick tock…tick tock…

Memories flash before my eyes

Tick tock…tick tock…

I wonder at how time flies   

Tick tock…tick tock…

It takes all my years and days

Tick tock…tick tock…

Hazy moments are all that stay

 Tick tock…tick tock…

Will I get to say a final goodbye

Tick tock…tick tock…

Or will I just fade away and die 

Tick tock…tick tock…

 I’ll remain a name in the past

Tick tock…tick tock…

A mere speck in a world so vast

Tick tock…..tick tock….

Ticks on my internal clock

Tick tock….tick tock…..

I just wish it would finally stop

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Finally In My Fifties !

I turned 50 recently. Somehow it felt like I had reached an unseen milestone in my life..and yet, I sit here and think, what actually did I achieve in all these years ?

I had a great many responsibilities bestowed upon me right from the age of 17.  I have no complains. I have had my share of happiness too but my role in life and the responsibilities that came with it had me grow up too fast, too soon. Being considered an adult at just 17 meant life was filled with commitments and responsibilities, and these demands often left me feeling weary and stressed out.

But now that I’m 50, I’m free of most of those responsibilities. My children are grown up and Hubby and I have a lot of time on our hands. I always used to think that being fifty would make me feel old and a lot of people DO tell me that I’m getting old, I certainly don’t feel it.

I feel fifty is a comfortable age to be in. It’s neither young nor old. Yes, I’m no longer young but then I’m also over those tiresome 20s 30s and 40s where one worries about one’s actions, appearance and presentation. 50s is the time where you become comfortable with what you really are. You stop trying to please others all the time. You can start living for yourself and do what you like, however childish, silly or stupid it may seem to another.

So what is it that I would love to do now that I’m 50 ? Oh nothing great like studying rocket science trust me ! Here is a list of all that I wish to do now.

Laugh out loud if I feel like it at every silly joke that I enjoy instead of that delicate soft smile/laugh that ladies are always expected to indulge in.

Be impulsive. If I feel like a pizza, ice-cream, samosa or any such thing I will eat one ! I will dress up the way I want and when I want ! (yes that includes wearing pink !) If I feel like singing a song sitting behind Hubby on his bike I will sing and not worry about those passing by ! A small jig when I hear a good news would be great too !

Talk nonsense. Yes well I’ve had my share of the so called intelligent conversations and polite small talks that bored me to death. I am entitled to talk nonsense. It can be fun (for me at least and that’s all that matters right now).

Maybe I will stop avoiding puddles on the road ? I always wanted to go splash in them so why not !

Eat out of the box or jar without anyone telling me its not proper.

Stamp my feet in anger when I don’t like something ! (I have always wanted to do that but just never got around to it yet).

Cant think of anything else for now. Anyone got any other ideas or suggestions ? Hehe :P

Inner Voice

Listen to your inner voice

And do what it tells you they all said.

How do I explain to them

There lives a whole society in my head.

© Copyright Renu Vyas

जब कि तुझ बिन नहीं कोई मौजूद

फिर ये हंगामा ऐ ख़ुदा क्या है..

Mirza Ghalib

The Unwritten Postcards

All those places we visited

Through our conversations

And all the beautiful sights we saw

Through our shared dreams

I have a colourful postcard

For every place we’ve never been

Hundreds of postcards

And a few dozen unwritten letters

All stored away safely

In the dusty drawers of my mind

I take them out sometimes

And breathe in that smell of yours

Which was never there

To give myself a reason to breathe

As I imagine us once again

At all those places we never went

And to envelop myself 

In a comforting, yet false relief

© Copyright Renu Vyas

What Is Your Fear ?

I am claustrophobic.

Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder in which the sufferer has an irrational fear of having no escape or being closed-in. It frequently results in a panic attack and can be triggered by a lot of things.

It is not necessarily the small spaces that trigger the anxiety but the fear of what can happen to the person if confined to that area. Some things that trigger anxiety issues with me are:

Elevators, tunnels, basements or underground rooms and spaces, movie theatres, subway trains, hotel rooms with windows that do not open, public toilets and in some cases medical devices like MRI scanners etc.

It is not being in a small space that bothers me – it is being effectively trapped in that space that leaves me feeling breathless. I hate elevators. That terrifying moment between the elevator stopping and the doors opening feels like forever to me. I feel like I can't breathe when I am in an enclosed area. The fear of being enclosed or stuck up in any place with no easy escape triggers a panic attack in me. If I am in a room and there are too many people, I start to feel the beginnings of it. Crowded stores are one of the worst for me. I often have to step outside. Feeling held down or contained in any way triggers it instantly.

It is difficult for people without this affliction to even begin to understand this condition. There have been so many instances where I have been ridiculed when I take the stairs instead of the elevator or when I check the hotel room that I am to stay in for windows that open out to a balcony.

We all have a phobia or two in life. Some fear the water, others heights etc. but I feel we should be more tolerant towards those people.

What is your fear ?

Circle of Life

Life is a circle

We all eventually end up 

At the point we started from

Sometimes together

And sometimes alone

Sometimes In parts 

And other times as whole

Be it as dead

Or very much alive

But return we do

Eventually ending up

At the point we started from

Life is a circle

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Perfect Synchronization

She lives alone

In her tower of Solitude

Speaking only in 

Soliloquy...

While I perform

Each and every day

In this meaningless act 

That we call life...

Each playing a game

Of hide and seek

With the other

Yet in perfect

Synchronization exist

My alter ego 

And I

© Copyright Renu Vyas

Indifference

All those feelings that went unexpressed

All the words that were left unsaid

Desires that remained unfulfilled

All that we could have had

If not for your  

Indifference 

© Copyright Renu Vyas

अब तक दिल-ए-खुशफ़हम को हैं तुझ से उम्मीदें

ये आखिरी शम्में भी बुझाने के लिये आ...

(अहमद फ़राज़)

All That Was Mine...

Where ever I may go in life

And whatever I may see;

The thought that always haunts me is

Do you still remember me ?

In all the crowds surrounding you

Do you search for my face ?

Though it never truly was beautiful

Nor held any poetic grace

Do you too ever hide some tears

And grieve for what we lost ?

Or do you ever sit and wonder

What your absence may have caused

Do you sift through memories

Of all the times we shared

Whenever you go by a temple

Do you offer for me a prayer ?

Do you look through the letters I wrote

And notice the words left unsaid

Or do those words hold no meaning to you

And the emotions already dead 

Do you miss the way I listened

To all you ever had to say

Or do you remember the urge you had

To hear me each night and day

 I wish you would return to me

Each emotion I shared with you

My dreams, my love, my every smile

So that I may forget you too  

© Copyright Renu Vyas

मेरा कुछ सामान तुम्हारे पास पड़ा है ... सावन के कुछ भीगे भीगे दिन रखे हैं

और मेरे एक खत में लिपटी रात पड़ी है....वो रात भुला दो, मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो .....

- Gulzar

My Shadow

It follows me around

Day and night

Sometimes it is visible

Other times out of sight

A silent spectator

Of all that I do

It haunts, it stalks

Keeps an eye on me too

Never utters a word

Nor does it judge me

Like the unseen conscious

It follows silently

Sometimes it scares me

As it looms dark and large

Appearing, disappearing

Vivid and stark

Yet sometimes reassures me

Its presence like a friend

That shares life’s ups and downs

And remains till the very end

© Copyright Renu Vyas