Masters of illusions

Jodhpur is a strange city..sometimes I feel that every person here is a master of illusion, and they are all trying to blind and fool each other for one reason or another…and sometimes, just for the heck of it !!

Loop

At a junction in life where I thought I would finally be at peace, where I could 

heal the parts of me that hold resentment for being forced to grow up too fast, for having to pick up responsibility where others should have, for shrinking myself and packaging my self esteem so others may rise…I find I’m still grappling with the very same issues.

My inner child deserves peace. It is time I start noticing the lost sunshine in myself again.

The Abandoned Letterbox

The old letterbox

Bereft 

Of it's old glory

Stands forlorn

Battered, alone

A witness

To so many letters

And emotions galore

A wife's wait

For beloved's word

Grandma's joy

At baby's birth

Heartbreak

Sad tears

Of a loved one's

Passing away..

It stands now

Abandoned, forgotten

No postman

To deliver 

No person that waits

Never given

A second glance

It remains ignored

No one to appreciate..

I feel a strange

Connection to it

And write a letter

Filled with hope

Warmth and love

And leave it

Maybe someday

Some old soul

Will read it 

And find solace

Until than

Let it adorn 

The old letterbox

©Renu Vyas

Incomplete

It is not that my life

Lacks for anything

Without you by my side

But had you been here

With me, my life

Would have been otherwise...

Copyright Renu Vyas.

Winters

You were

Like a blizzard

Severe, chilling

I was

Like a snow storm

Cold , freezing

Both winters

Of different kinds

Yet sadly similar

In our coldness

That isolated

All those

Who mattered

In our life

Copyright Renu Vyas.

2 AM Poetry

The incessant rain 

Has stopped now

A strange melancholy

Envelopes everything

The birds huddle

In the trees quietly

My words, drenched

Sit numb, silently

The need to express

No longer there

The lonely night

Subdued, wet and tired

Retires, finally

And so do I

    And so do I....

Copyright Renu Vyas

Perspective

He and She

Emotionally

Dependent

Attached

To each other

He loved

Because

He needed

Others

To love him

She loved

Because

She just did.

Copyright Renu Vyas.

Loving Myself

I have learnt to love myself

And I do it so well too

All that I do is be what I am

And to myself be always true

I love the sound of my laugh

It's infectious and liberates me

That twinkle in my eyes

And the expressions of glee

I gracefully accept my flaws

And I revell in all my truths

I lovingly tend to the creases

To make my being smooth

I'm brave and confident

Complete in myself and whole

Creative and forever evolving

And as wise as an old soul

I am a work in progress

Myself I must first fulfill

For if I don't love myself 

I don't think anyone else will

Copyright Renu Vyas

Aimless Wandering

Songs with no rhythm

Poems without rhyme

Stories with no endings

And soft unheard sighs

No smiles to welcome

No tears of goodbyes

Life that remains forever

Aimless, and futile

Copyright Renu Vyas

तुम

भूले बिसरे जो आ जाये

वो खयाल हो तुम

जिसका मिले न जवाब

वो सवाल हो तुम

मेरी हर परेशानी का

समाधान हो तुम

अनायास चेहरे पे जो आ जाए

वो मुस्कान हो तुम

पथराई सी आँखों में

एक आस हो तुम

न हो करीब मगर दिल के

फिर भी पास हो तुम

जो बुझ न सके कभी भी

ऐसी प्यास हो तुम

जो बयां ना हो कभी किसी से

वो जज़्बात हो तुम

जो भी हो, जैसे भी हो,

मेरे लिए तो ख़ास हो तुम...

Copyright Renu Vyas

Broken Heart

My heart, broken

Into million pieces

Every which way

I keep mending it

Poem by poem

Each day, every day..

Copyright Renu Vyas

Inner Turmoil

The older I get, the more I enjoy the calmness, the stability, and the peace life offers after fifty. It's good to no longer worry about the insecurities and uncertainties that were a permanent companion earlier.

When I was young, crossing every hurdle, facing new challenges that life threw at me felt exciting. It was as if I wanted to fly. It made me feel alive..yet often left me with a lot of inner turmoil.

I have now learnt to value stability. And yet sometimes..just sometimes.. a part of me craves to free a tiny part of myself from the boundaries set by the society, to break the chains of the confines of a life constrained by the codes of others.

Mostly, being the person that people expect me to be comes easily to me. I guess life is the same for all. Each person playing a series of roles, all striving to play each one to the best of their abilities. And yet there are those few rare moments that leave me wondering, questioning myself.. which is the charade and which is the real me..

Art of Appreciation

Most people these days take others for granted. They do not appreciate what they have, or the effort and hard work others put for them. Even the little things matter.

A warm smile we receive, a kind gesture, a friendly pat..it all matters, and yet we often take them for granted. We do not appreciate. We do not take the time to let the other know how important such things are for us.

Appreciating is an art, it does not come naturally to all. Sometimes one has to learn to appreciate. And a word of appreciation makes a lot of difference to another.

And it's never too late to start learning 🙂

Lost Dreams

Eyes gaze out of the window

Heart in a perpetual wait

Of a lost dream to come back home

© Renu Vyas 

Meant For The Sidelines

"Who am I ?"

This is one question we all ask ourselves from time to time. We are never the same. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. And yet, there are some things that remain the same, constant.

I am more tolerant of people now than I was earlier. I have learnt to hear more than I speak. I have learnt to be more careful with my emotions. I am better able to hide my pain behind smiles and conversations.

What has not changed is that I am still very much an introvert. I am the type of person who when is present, the presence will not be acknowledged and in absence, the absence will not be felt.

I am a person that one's peripheral vision can see, but never really notice because people mostly focus on the center, on what is in front of them. I will never be the person in the center.

I am meant for the sidelines.

Musings

I used to love life in the countryside. I loved solitude. And yet..I now prefer to stay in the city. The sound of the traffic, the noise and the glow of lights are a constant reminder to me of life in continuous motion. They keep my mind engaged, distracted. They leave no space to think.

The silence of the countryside, the solitude, scares me. It allows me to hear my own thoughts far too much.

So yes, I still do love the countryside..and yet...

Garden Of Words

I have a beautiful garden

In my mind, and my heart

I plant all my words there

Some complete, some at start

Some are totally random

While others are rehearsed

I tend to them all lovingly

Day and night they are nursed

I pour on them, all of my love

And sprinkle a little of my pain

I Add some tender feelings too

And my tears on them I rain

And finally there comes a time

When the garden is in bloom

Rich, vibrant thoughts adorn it

And some beautiful verses too

I pluck some softly, tenderly

Mix them in my emotional jar

Some turn out as beautiful

poetry

And some remain as memoirs...

Copyright Renu Vyas

Walls

The walls that my heart built

Are my safety, protection

And my prison too

Copyright Renu Vyas

Love At First Sound

I don't exactly remember when or how it happened.
I grew up abroad and I would visit my hometown in the holidays. It was then that I first heard of the radio show "Binaca Geet mala". I remember that countdown of songs..and how I fell in love with a voice. There is a saying in English -  love at first sight, but mine was love at first sound. I totally, irrevocably, fell in love with Ameen Sayani 's mesmerizing voice.

I remember how I'd rush to complete my school homework, get all that was required of me done..just so that I would be free for the show. I remember the excitement of hearing a favorite song on the popularity chart, the disappointment of another not making it..the way how Sayani Sahab's voice made  each song special..every song had a mood, a character, and a life of it's own..

Some songs brought that soft smile on my face..while my imagination took me to places, and near people I dreamt about.. while some left my eyes moist. Than there were those that made me yearn and ache for that which I had never had or even experienced..and yet I felt that acute loss..a void unexplained.

The radio show and Sayani Sahab's voice enriched my teenage years and laid a solid foundation for love of music that has only grown with the years..the show may be off air..but it lives on in my heart and memories..and to this day my love for that voice continues..

Love

A comfortable silence that needs no words

A wink across a crowded room

The art of being in love

Copyright Renu Vyas

Frozen In Time

I am

Scraps of paper 

Filled with unfinished notes 

And forgotten doodles

I am

Half cups of coffee

Cold and discarded

Over intense conversations

I am

Unflicked grey ash

Hanging precariously

From half smoked cigarette butts

I am

The lonely bookmark

Found between pages

Of books once read, loved

I am

That quiet moment 

Forever frozen in time

Preserved for a lifetime

Copyright Renu Vyas

Sepia Coloured Life

Dried flowers hidden between the pages of old books, sepia colored photographs, gramophone records, Mehdi Hassan's soft voice, Amin Sayani and Binaca Geetmala, crisp cotton saris, the familiar smell of Ponds talcum powder, rooh afza, and  the luxury of being in touch with myself..the uncluttered, simple life.

A massive wave of nostalgia...

Silences

Sometimes I wonder how silence can vary so much in pitch and tone. Some silences are soothing and soft..some  chaotic, while others are filled with a happy chatter. The silence within me today holds a high-pitched scream at its heart.

Reminds me of Ghalib 's words:

"जब की तुझ बिन नहीं कोई मौजूद
फिर ये हंगामा ऐ खुदा क्या है
दिल ए नादां तुझे हुआ क्या है..."

Pedestals

The problem with pedestals is that people start to look down on you..and eventually, invariably they fall off them. And I've put far too many people on pedestals all my life.

Jigsaw Puzzle

I tried to fit in all my life

Forgetting, that I am not

Piece of a jigsaw puzzle

Copyright Renu Vyas

Coronavirus Diaries

We got so caught up

In surviving, day and night

We forgot to actually live

Copyright Renu Vyas

Beautiful Me

Someday when I am no more 

Someone, somewhere

Will take the time to learn

The "me" that I was

My truths, my defeats

My demons, My dreams

What tried to destroy me..

And what made me a fighter

What made me connect

And what made me love. 

And they will tell the world

What a beautiful story I was...

Copyright Renu Vyas

Black or White

Sometimes

We need to take

All those shades of grey

And make them

Black or white

To define a limit

And be absolute

Copyright Renu Vyas

Forgotten Bookmarks

All the words

You once whispered

Lovingly, softly

Still reside in my heart

As forgotten bookmarks

Of a story called "Us" 

That once was

Yet no longer exists

Copyright Renu Vyas

Sunset In My Eyes

I waited an eternity for you

And to you devoted all my sunrise

But you arrived, seeking me so late

When all I have is sunset in my eyes

Copyright Renu Vyas

An Old Soul

I am, an old soul

Stuck in the wrong century

Shying from the modern chaos

Overwhelmed and insecure

 By the magnitude of superficiality

Comfortable in my own company

I walk a solitary path

I meditate, reflect on, appreciate

Enjoy beauty of life, contemplate

Taking each day as it comes

Until the time I'm recalled

To unite with my fellow old souls

Copyright Renu Vyas

Complexities

Sometimes I feel we don't really know people. We feel we totally understand them, their thoughts, their views, and what makes them "them".

But do we ever really know them ? do we ever truly see what lies beneath the surface ? Sometimes, I wonder if I even know myself. I was a different person long long back, I'm different now. Am I who I should have been ? So what does that make me ?

We all have our versions, and it's okay if people can't love all of them...

Presence

There are some books that stay in my collection. I’ve read them lots of times, long back. The pages are worn out, yellowed with time. I rarely read them, yet I do not give them away. The thought that they are there comfort me..and There are some songs that I never delete from my music collection. They remain in my playlist always. I rarely hear them, but the thought that they are there gives me comfort. I do not miss them, and yet neither do I forget them.

And there are such people too....

तलाश

कड़कती धूप में फिर रहा

बदहवास सा, बौखलाया हुआ

अंजान मुसाफ़िर आवारा सा

एक शख़्सियत की तलाश में

Copyright Renu Vyas

Loving Myself

Thank you for once rejecting me

 It was the beginning of

My accepting and embracing

All of my flaws and scars

That make me unique in my own way

And falling in love with myself

Copyright Renu Vyas

Joker In The Pack

Life has always been for me

Like a deck of  playing cards

There are kings, queens and jacks

While I , the joker stands apart

I have watched on quietly

As life's hand after hand is dealt

And with each game that is played

Only worthlessness is all I've felt

People have rarely noticed me

Kept my opinions and wishes aside

I stayed on the peripheries of life

Compromising with my pride

I am to be used as and when

Things are not going so great

I do what is required of me

But my heart carries this sad weight

With a pained smile on my face 

I sadly gaze into their eyes

Entertaining the kings and queens 

while my whole being aches and cries

So you see, In a world so bright

I live all alone, night after night

I am the useless Joker 

Ignored by the orchestrators of life 

©Renu Vyas

वो और मैं

वो

एक खुशबू बन 

साँसों में मेरी 

रच बस गया 

मैं 

हवा के झोंके सी 

कुछ पल छू के 

बस बिखर गई

वो 

मीठी  याद बन  

दिल में मेरे 

घऱ कर गया 

मैं 

भूले लम्हे सी 

वक़्त के साथ 

बस गुज़र गयी

©Renu Vyas

I, A Broken Vase

I, a beautiful vase

Broken time and again

By those I trust

And those I love

And each time 

I gather my pieces

Joining them 

Carefully, painfully

While people judge me

On the basis of

My ugly cracks

Missing out completely

On the beauty

Of my strength

On my ability to 

Rejoin myself

And restore my trust

As love them

All over again

©Renu Vyas

मेरा मौन

हिदायतें सबकी सुनी

सबके कहे सुनता रहा

सहमे, चुप रहे लब मेरे

और मेरा मौन बोलता रहा

©Renu Vyas

तन्हां

आँखे उस का सपना देखे 

जो कभी मुझे मिला नहीं 

दिल उस खत का रास्ता देखे 

जो कभी किसी ने लिखा नहीं 

मन मनाए उस शख्स को 

जो कभी कहीं रूठा नहीं 

हँस लेती हूँ उस बात पर 

जो कभी किसी  ने कही नहीं 

और ऐसे ही रूठते , हँसाते 

अपने में ही ख्वाब सजाते 

खुद को अक्सर मना लेती हूँ 

की मैं भी तन्हां नहीं...

©Renu Vyas

माँ सी ही होती है मासी

माँ सी ही होती है मासी

मायके में मैं जब भी जाती

जी भर के वो प्यार लुटाती

माँ सी ही होती है मासी....

माँ की तरह ही वो बतियाती

दुःख सुख में बन जाती साथी

माँ सी ही होती है मासी....

गलती पे वो डांट लगाती

रूठने पर फिर वो मनाती

माँ सी ही होती है मासी....

मेरी याद उसे भी आती

हर पल ये एहसास कराती

माँ सी ही होती है मासी...

याद मैं उसको जब भी करती

आँखें उसकी भी नम हो जाती

माँ सी ही होती है मासी....

काश मेरे भी पंख होते

उस से मैं मिल कर आ जाती

माँ सी ही होती है मासी....

©Renu Vyas

Musings

You never know everything about anybody. 

You just learn what you learn, as you learn it.

The Sponge Life

Going through a weird fase in life where I'm beginning to feel like a sponge..a sponge that absorbs everything but is not supposed to react.

But what happens when it's capacity is full ? A sponge does not explode so I suppose it just dries with time and the cycle of absorbing starts all over again..until the cracks appear and it slowly disintegrates.

The only words that come to my mind are of Mehdi Hassan Sahab’s ghazal :

Sab ki sun kar chup Rehte hain 

Dil ki baat nahi kehte 

Aate aate jeene ke bhi 

Laakh bahaane aa jaate hain…

Kese kese log humare 

Ji ko jalaane aa jaate hain 

Apne apne gham ke fasane 

Humein sunane aa jaate hain …

In se alag mein reh nahi sakti 

Is bedard zamane mein 

Meri ye majboori mujhko 

Yaad dilaane aa jaate hain…

Revival

I was a parched, dry, dying flower

You became the rain drenching my soul

Reviving me, as I bloom exquisitely..

© Renu Vyas

Between Wake and Asleep

Early morning hours

In that state of half asleep

The thoughts more tender

The heart more bare

As my mind still hangs

To the edges of my dreams..

©Renu Vyas

Toothpaste Dispenser ? Really ??

When was the last time you gave a thought on putting the right amount of toothpaste on your tooth brush ? Have you ever been really worried that you may put more toothpaste than is needed or that you would get the amount all wrong ? well you need not worry any more ! It seems there is a “smart” gadget that can help you get just that "right" amount of toothpaste on your tooth brush !!

Yes, I'm talking about the toothpaste dispenser. Another piece of annoying technology that for me tops the list of useless gadgets.

I sit here and wonder, why would a company, any company, ask their employees to use their precious creativity and innovative talent to design a gadget that makes absolutely no sense ?

Maybe they felt that squeezing a toothpaste tube is, presumably, a lot of hard work and they wanted to do away with that task ? Or maybe the act of picking up the lid if/when it falls is very tiring ? Oh wait...now you don't have to worry about your spouse or child squeezing the tube at the center !! That way there will be less morning fights and divorce rates will go down and harmony amidst parents and children will be restored and life will be more peaceful !!

Really ? Do we really need a toothpaste dispenser ? This in my view is the new level of craziness and lazy.

Freedom of Expression

I do not have a problem with people expressing their views, in fact I feel everyone should have the right to freely voice out what they think and feel.

The problem starts when the moment we express our views ( and that too in a very polite manner ) the other will reciprocate with unnecessary sarcasm, abusive language and ridicule. They make it their goal to either convince the other that THEIR view is the only right view or silence the other.

It's your right to disagree with another but that can be done in a graceful way too.
And silence should never be taken as submission.

And debates are all about speaking, expressing, and hearing the other.
They are not about shouting, suppressing the other's voice, not hearing another's view point and in general creating noise.

Social media gives us the freedom to express and interact. It saddens me when I see people becoming abusive on Twitter, Facebook and whatsapp.
I guess John Stuart Mill said it well:

"The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error."
  - John Stuart Mill 

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is

When moments from past

Become the companions 

Of your today

Copyright Renu Vyas.

Non Existent

मेरे बोलों की आवाज़ किसी तक पहुँचती ही नहीं

मेरी शख्सियत को लोग देख ही नहीं पाते हैं...

मेरे अस्तित्व का कोई महत्व नहीं किसी के लिए

मुझ जैसे लोग अक्सर यूँ ही भुला दिए जाते हैं...

Copyright Renu Vyas

Shattered Dreams

Millions of dreams shattered

The death of each buried deep inside

So many graves, I visit each night

Copyright Renu Vyas

Odd Ones

I am an ancient square

In this modern circle of life

Awkward, mis shaped

And not fitting in

Copyright Renu Vyas

Letting Go..

Sitting by the sea side

I let my heart bleed out 

All its agony and pain 

One wave at a time....

Copyright Renu Vyas

Changing Shapes

I never really knew love

People only love 

If you mould yourself

To their expectations

Sadly, I am always

Changing shapes

© Copyright Renu Vyas

My Flight

I flew, leaving behind
My inhibitions for you
But you were not there
To notice my wings

© Copyright Renu Vyas